Change

The electoral votes are in and it's official. There's a brotha in the white house.

Giant Spider

Can you believe these things can get that big? Imagine a spider the size of Shaq's hand.

Harry Potter Is a Democrat

The Repubs Can't Tell It Like This

Obama '08 - Vote For Hope from MC Yogi on Vimeo.

Jay and Silent Bob, The F*cking Short Version

I didn't even realize they said the word so much in the movie. Pure comedy.

He'll Still Pound You Into Dust

Fedor Emelianenko is by far the baddest man on the planet. He's beaten the who's who of talent in the heavyweight division for a number of years and doesn't look like he's slowing down at all. The funny thing about him is that he does that in the ring but outside the ring he seems like a giant teddy bear. I don't know, when I see pictures of him like this it's nice to know someone like that can be humble.

Berserker

A classic scene in stupid funny movie history. Jay and Silent Bob hanging outside the quik-e-mart with Bob's cousin from Russia. Berserker is now my favorite back in the day track to reminisce on. Take it away Olaf.

Smart Campaigning

When running for office and your campaign slogans and political promises just aren't selling to the masses, you can always put your name on a shirt and make hot chicks wear them. I'm sold.

To think, this came from someone who hangs out on the right side. Hot women are what brings us all together. God Bless America.

More Uncomfortable Conversation

Why is it so hard for me to take a leak in peace? The same guy that was making chit chat with the bomb dropper in the bathroom last time decided to talk to me while he was doing his business. And what was he talking about? Work...again!!!

I don't give a shit who you just talked to on the phone. Stop talking to me while you're holding your wang.

Dick!

And for the record, World of Warcraft is awesome!

The Dime List #1

I figure I'd take a break from updating you about morons and focus on all that is Glorious. I give you Sarah Shahi.

She is a model with an ethnic background of Spanish and Iranian and is a direct descendant of an Iranian king. Nice.

I'd like to thank my boy Darell for keeping me up on the hot women on the internet.

El Second Coming?

I took a statement today with a man who had a very thick Spanish accent. When going through my questioning with him I found it difficult to understand exactly what he was telling me. I did, however, understand a few answers.

1. What is your name? Answer: Jesus

2. What is your birthday? Answer: December 25th

Ladies and gents it's official. Christ has risen again except this time his last name is Aguilar, he drives a Honda Accord and his year of birth is really 1961. Welcome back caballero. Eres mi primo?

The Foot Fist Way Trailer

Small budget but who gives a shit. Humor and martial arts go together well.

Austria Blows

According to the television show Manswers, 4 out of every 5, or 80% of Austrian women enjoy giving oral sex to their male counter parts. Compare that to the good ol' US of A at a low (and might I add depressing) score of 17%.

I don't know what they're feeding the girls across the pond but I think they need to start serving it here. Who knows if the study is true? I'm not gonna pony up the cash to fly to Austria and find out but just the thought of it makes me a happy guy.

Watch Out!

I can imagine this moron calling me and telling me that the gas pump jumped in front of her car. However, in all likelihood this was probably a tactic by the driver to get free gas. I guess dropping down 35 cents in two weeks wasn't a fast enough drop in prices.

Uncomfortable Conversation

I was always under the impression that any conversation in a men’s bathroom is kept to a minimum. I guess some rebel scum are trying to lower the bar.

Earlier today I was in the restroom at work when two gentlemen walked in and were engaged in a conversation about work. It makes sense to run into someone on the way to the bathroom and talk about what client they might have just gotten off of the phone with, but don’t you think the conversation should end when one is at the urinal and the other decides to drop a load off in the stall? Not these two guys. They just rambled on and on while expelling gas and fecal matter. They weren’t shy about it either. The guy must have had a big breakfast because he was letting the toilet have it! I’m talking 50 caliber gun blasts here.

I don’t know about you but I can’t talk to another guy while he’s taking shit. There’s already too much going on in that stall that I don’t want to know about. Next time I’m bringing my iPod and turning the volume all the way up for my entire time in there. Oh the humanity.

The Classic Ones #4

I can never tell what kind of scholars I'm going to talk to on a day to day basis. This convo was from earlier this week...

Nameles: Where is the damage on your car?

Idiot: The bumper

Nameles: The rear bumper?

Idiot: Rear bumper? Is that the same as the back bumper?

Speechless. I felt like asking this dingus if I can give them a swift kick in the rear end but feared they wouldn't know which body part I was talking about.

This Fool

Dialing the wrong number can introduce you to some of the strangest looking human beings on the planet. This time around I came across Dan Kirk, who was nice enough to state the name of his website on his voicemail. The home page of the site had this picture on it. When reading the biography I was surprised to find out that Dan came into this earth cold, crying and wet, on December 14, 1966 in Neenah, WI. Momma and Poppa must be real proud of their wet boy seeing as that he grew up to be a guy who advertises himself as someone that was dropped as a baby several times. Don't quit your day job Danny boy.

Click here to see for yourself: DANKIRK.COM

Nice pants jackass.

Australian Serial Killer In the Making

I don't know what this kid had in his Cheerios that morning but damn, can't his parents sign him up for Aussie AYSO or something? Don't they have a YMCA somewhere down under? You know what they say, "boys will be boys". But, if your boy is doing this I'd immediately consult with a shrink.

Family Issues

Shambot - Needs a step ladder to reach the peanut butter and jelly.

Big Sister - Carries a knife but will never use it.

Elder Brother - Is a Raiders fan...Enough said.

Mom – Is a witch who traded in her broomstick for a school bus.

Dad – Is 68 going on 19 with his new Facebook page.

The Nameles One – Looks like, sounds like, smells like a terrorist.

Baby Aladdin – Is perfect. My only concern is that Shambot will get wise and adopt Baby Aladdin as her new step ladder to reach the peanut butter and jelly.

Check out more family comedy at Exotericism.blogspot.com in the Overheard in the Family series. Good stuff.

The Classic Ones #3

I have no more tolerance for over the top drunks than I do stupid people because they both hang out at the same stankin' like piss bar. Now, I'm no angel when it comes to the booze but some jackasses are 5 to 6 nights a week. The following is an actual conversation between a police officer and what appears to be the next member of the exclusive fraternity of The Classic Ones.

Cop: (Noticing a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on douche bag) “Have you had anything to drink?”

Douche: (Lethargic and having trouble keeping their balance) “One, two, free beers.”

Cop: Where were you drinking?

Douche: “I was at my girl’s house gettin’ some”

And later…

Douche: (While looking at the light pole that jumped in front of his car) "Man I fucked that shit up, huh?!"

Cop: "Were you the one driving the car?"

Douche: "Yeah, and I was almost home. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"

Cop: "Would you be able to do a Standardized Sobriety Test?"

Douche: "I won't be able to do them."

Cop: "Why not?"

Douche: "Shit, I'm too fucked up! This is what beer and tequila does."

Luckily, the cop asked him to take the breath test and he said he would and say he is drunk. NO SHIT?! I couldn't tell. Douche.

What Are the Odds?

Who would guess that within a week of the inception of these Chronicles I would receive a photographic description of my life? If you haven’t guessed by now, I work in an office environment very similar to that of Office Space (a great movie for those involved in the cubicle wars I find myself in five days a week). Through a random email forwarded to me by “El Padrote”, I discovered this picture floating around the office. Need I say more?

$500 For a Bird To Shit On Your Face

For years, people have been searching for the fountain of youth when all they really had to do is look up towards the sky. Allegedly, getting a facial with the main ingredient being the fecal matter of a nightingale is a good way of keeping those wrinkles off the face. There's even a spot in Beverly Hills performing said facials where the clientele includes Denise Richards and Megan Fox. (Megan Fox just lost a couple notches on the "Celebs I Want To Bone List"). Don't go running to the gates if you're not prepared to pay though. Word on the street is that it'll run you anywhere between $350 to $500. Keep in mind, we're in one of the worst economies in our nations history so if you're really that into the treatment you're better off going to the park, feeding the pigeons laxatives and tilting your head back.

Go Yiff Yourself!!!

While watching an episode of Entourage, I was introduced to what I thought was merely a hilarious scene presented to HBO subscribers by the talented folks who write the show. Oh how ignorant I was at the time. Recently a buddy of mine who, much like myself, surfs the internet all day reading about messed up shit, was telling me about a following that is, without a doubt, WTF chronicle worthy.

"Furry Fandom" is a culture of people who devote themselves to anthropomorphic animal characters. Furries, as they are sometimes called, sport fully fitted animal costumes and prance around like they live in a disney cartoon, carrying balloons and holding hands celebrating the joy of wearing something that teenagers would pick on at a theme park. The good people of Entourage decided to explore the sexual aspect of the devotion better known to the fur folk as "yiffing". In other words, people dressed like animals boinking each other until one coughs up a hair ball. You'll never look at that bunny rabbit in the pet store the same way again...

Paperweight vs. Paper Clipweight

Muay Thai (kickboxing native to Thailand) is a hobby of mine. I Currently dabble in the heavyweight division at a sexy 210 pounds while trying to find the right diet and training regiment to drop to 190 pounds. I don't want to cut too much weight because I would never want to tangle with one of these killers. Little dude can take a knee to the stomach and has a nasty right straight. Shout out to the Shambot for fishing this off the net...

The Classic Ones #2

Just another all too classic one, this time in audio form. Just click the following link and be amazed by the comedy stylings of Mr. Costello...

http://www.zshare.net/audio/19740454d884ae67/

F*ck It!!! We'll Do It Live!!!

Your boy Bill O'Reilly, doing his thing. Can you really take this dude seriously after being the host of Inside Edition? Enjoy.

The Classic Ones

In my daily routine of statements and negotiations, I tend to come across what I like to call "the classic ones". What is that exactly? It's a collection of people who are less than well versed in the complex native tongue of English. Now, I'm not talking about immigrants or people who suffer from down syndrome. No, I'm talking about your regular everyday idiots that make up words to sound smarter, have terrible grammar and so on. Here are just a few outtakes from conversations I've had so far this week.

Convo 1...

Nameles: "How fast was your car going?"

Idiot: "I wasn't going on the speed"

Nameles: (Puzzled look on face followed by shaking of head)

Convo 2...

Nameles: "Are you the legal guardian of the child?"

Idiot: "I've been raising him all my life, he is 12 now."

Nameles: "That's nice but my question was are you the LEGAL guardian of the child?"

Idiot: "I mean, I got, I, I don't have the papership for that."

Nameles: (Thinking 'what the fuck is papership?')

Now, not every conversation is through the telephone. Sometimes I'm lucky enough to see what their words look like! Please refer to the following I copied and pasted from my inbox...

Idiot email: "Here are the pictures the first three pictures are of my car the green ford Mustang licence plate number , is 4xIL587 The picture of my hole car is the intern I was going into.The one way parking lot its not a interns for two car .Just to show you how it looked."

Lord have mercy, I have to find the humor in speaking with such wonderful people. In a future blog I'll let you listen to a conversation I had with a man who talked about having problems with his wife and his girlfriend. Oh the anticipation!